Paitees!

Dear diary,

I have , albeit sporadically, been updating you since 2008. Thats mind boggling in itself, to realize that this blog has been around since the last 14 friggin years! Looking back at those old posts I feel almost nauseous when I see the self righteousness and the misplaced sense of ambition jumping out from the words and phrases. I mean I get it, I was young and stupid but the beauty of the written word is that its etched permanently as an evidence of my naivete.

This being a ceremonial birthday post, turning paitees has somehow just crept up on me, I am what one might call beginning to be a bit long in the tooth now. Older people when I was young looked older for the same age I sometimes think, but I am sure to kids now I actually am very much an uncle. I certainly feel like one, I am irritated most of the times, any bands/ artists after 2010 are basically trash, nostalgia seems to rule all my senses. When I saw the recent Batman movie, the moment the theatre turned pitch black and the starting notes of Somethin in the way echoed from those big speakers, the elation of hearing the familiar voice of Kurt Cobain, almost forgoten by contemporary culture, came bursting through carrying with it a zing of a bygone era of me sitting late at nights, online at orkut with the winamp player full of these depressing songs :))

For someone who was perceived as old for their age even when I was in my teens, its frightening to think what will become of me when I am 45! I remember listening to an eminem song where he mentions being old and 30 and trying to flirt with nurses and I remember thinking that must be so sad being 30, yet here I am! 

So future plans, considering any and all plans and options I had conjured up when I was 30 have essentially frizzled away, UAE, Saudi, India or Australia - I ended up coming instead to an altogether different country, I do feel how futile it is to plan, yet to keep any semblance of free will, I will go ahead and "play the part".

I think I am burnt out, having been under constant stress for the last 6 years, trying to bury myself in work, not having any work life balance and having a predisposition to depression basically has gotten me in a vicious cycle of spiralling down this all familiar and bottomless pit. 

And I think the problem with me is I am self aware enough to know that I am depressed, yet arrogant or egoistic to the level that I know that I can actually pull myself away from this pit the moment I put my mind to it. I am not sure if this belief in self resurrection is actually credible or is yet another illusion being played by me at my expense. Some things can rightfully only be answered with time so wait and watch we shall! 

                                                       Haaye budhapa =))