Paitees!

Dear diary,

I have , albeit sporadically, been updating you since 2008. Thats mind boggling in itself, to realize that this blog has been around since the last 14 friggin years! Looking back at those old posts I feel almost nauseous when I see the self righteousness and the misplaced sense of ambition jumping out from the words and phrases. I mean I get it, I was young and stupid but the beauty of the written word is that its etched permanently as an evidence of my naivete.

This being a ceremonial birthday post, turning paitees has somehow just crept up on me, I am what one might call beginning to be a bit long in the tooth now. Older people when I was young looked older for the same age I sometimes think, but I am sure to kids now I actually am very much an uncle. I certainly feel like one, I am irritated most of the times, any bands/ artists after 2010 are basically trash, nostalgia seems to rule all my senses. When I saw the recent Batman movie, the moment the theatre turned pitch black and the starting notes of Somethin in the way echoed from those big speakers, the elation of hearing the familiar voice of Kurt Cobain, almost forgoten by contemporary culture, came bursting through carrying with it a zing of a bygone era of me sitting late at nights, online at orkut with the winamp player full of these depressing songs :))

For someone who was perceived as old for their age even when I was in my teens, its frightening to think what will become of me when I am 45! I remember listening to an eminem song where he mentions being old and 30 and trying to flirt with nurses and I remember thinking that must be so sad being 30, yet here I am! 

So future plans, considering any and all plans and options I had conjured up when I was 30 have essentially frizzled away, UAE, Saudi, India or Australia - I ended up coming instead to an altogether different country, I do feel how futile it is to plan, yet to keep any semblance of free will, I will go ahead and "play the part".

I think I am burnt out, having been under constant stress for the last 6 years, trying to bury myself in work, not having any work life balance and having a predisposition to depression basically has gotten me in a vicious cycle of spiralling down this all familiar and bottomless pit. 

And I think the problem with me is I am self aware enough to know that I am depressed, yet arrogant or egoistic to the level that I know that I can actually pull myself away from this pit the moment I put my mind to it. I am not sure if this belief in self resurrection is actually credible or is yet another illusion being played by me at my expense. Some things can rightfully only be answered with time so wait and watch we shall! 

                                                       Haaye budhapa =))

Kya karna?

Kitni ajeeb si baat hai keh aise likhna itna ajeeb kyun lag raha hai, baqaida effort lagana pad raha hai english main wapas switch nahi hona. Baar baar delete karke likhna kyunki apko aadat hai likhne ke english main. Ek aur yeh example hai aise trick ka jo apka dimagh khelta hai khudpe. Aisi baat toh nahi hai k main khwab english main dekhta hoon jaisa k log kehte hain; ki jiss zubaan main aap sabse zyada comfortable hote hain ussi main khwab dekhte hain.

Shukar waise yeh bhi hai k mujhe khwab itne yaad rehte bhi nahi hain. Bakwasiyat aur uljhan se larez hote hain khwab, aur mere pass na toh koi roohani taaqat hain jo main sochoon k mere khwab badi ilhaami hoge, jo bhi chand khwab yaad bhi reh jaate hain toh woh aise hi lagta hai keh bass paanch-chay alag alag purani yaadon ya jagahon se jaldbaazi main judi hui koi kahani dimagh ne banane ki koshish kari hai taaki neend khul na jaaye. Ya toh phir aise khwab aate hain k aisa lag raha ho keh dimagh baqaida plot aur story likh raha ho. Manhoos aur lucid, equal proportion main!

Halaanki neend bhi apne aap main ek ajeeb-o-ghareeb cheez hai, uljhan main aati nahi hai, jabki uljhan main hi sabse zyada usski zaroorat hoti hai; aur jab aap sukoon main hote ho to foran aajati hai. Aisa hona chahiye ki ghabrahat mai zyada aaye aur sukoon main kam. Ladakpan main zyada aati hai - jab aap chahte ho duniya hi har cheez karna aur budhaape main kam, jab aap chahoge keh kuch na karen bass sote rahen, magar foran 4 baje uth jao, bass yehi bacha hai ab dekhna shayad :))

Waise ghoom phir keh baat yeh aajati hai, zyada sochna aur gehrai main kisi bhi cheez ki jana, bhalay hi woh soch khud ki soch k baare main hi kyun na ho, kabhi bhi faayedemand nahi hoti, balki aur nuqsaan hi pohnchaati hai. Zyada sahi yehi hai surface phenomena bane raho, cheezen khareedo, bhaaloo waaley tshirt RL ka ya saamnp ki khaal k jootey aur khush raho umda hal filhal k liye.

Zindagi bhar ki khushi waise bhi kkis havannaq ne kaha tha k milegi zindagi main? Itmenaan bhi ek vehem hi hai, insaan agar zyada vaqfay k liye sukoon se hota hai toh khud maslay bana leta hai, ussne mujhe aisa kaha, waisa nahi kaha, wahan main nahi ja paaya (FOMO) LOL , ya fir kyun gaya? aise kuch fuzool maslay aur ya toh phir oopar se maslay utaar diye jaate hain toh log kehte hain yar pehle kitna sahi thi meri zindagi, magar maine khud paida kar diye the masaail apne zindagi main.

Ghoom phir k baat yeh ajati hai k har peedhi apni pehle k logo ko dekhti hai, unki ghaltiyan samajhti hai, unko judge karti hai, aur phir nayi tareekhay se apni zindagi main pareshani aur bherahat laane main jutt jaati hai. Jo log khush hain, jaise k woh shair hai, Keh kya takafful karen hum yeh kehne main keh jo bhi khush hain hum unse jalte hain. Hum to waqai mai jalte hain, kyun hain woh log itne khush? Humain bhi khush qismat kardo ya bewakhoof bana do, dono hi kardo ya doosra toh kar hi do! :)