Paitees!

Dear diary,

I have , albeit sporadically, been updating you since 2008. Thats mind boggling in itself, to realize that this blog has been around since the last 14 friggin years! Looking back at those old posts I feel almost nauseous when I see the self righteousness and the misplaced sense of ambition jumping out from the words and phrases. I mean I get it, I was young and stupid but the beauty of the written word is that its etched permanently as an evidence of my naivete.

This being a ceremonial birthday post, turning paitees has somehow just crept up on me, I am what one might call beginning to be a bit long in the tooth now. Older people when I was young looked older for the same age I sometimes think, but I am sure to kids now I actually am very much an uncle. I certainly feel like one, I am irritated most of the times, any bands/ artists after 2010 are basically trash, nostalgia seems to rule all my senses. When I saw the recent Batman movie, the moment the theatre turned pitch black and the starting notes of Somethin in the way echoed from those big speakers, the elation of hearing the familiar voice of Kurt Cobain, almost forgoten by contemporary culture, came bursting through carrying with it a zing of a bygone era of me sitting late at nights, online at orkut with the winamp player full of these depressing songs :))

For someone who was perceived as old for their age even when I was in my teens, its frightening to think what will become of me when I am 45! I remember listening to an eminem song where he mentions being old and 30 and trying to flirt with nurses and I remember thinking that must be so sad being 30, yet here I am! 

So future plans, considering any and all plans and options I had conjured up when I was 30 have essentially frizzled away, UAE, Saudi, India or Australia - I ended up coming instead to an altogether different country, I do feel how futile it is to plan, yet to keep any semblance of free will, I will go ahead and "play the part".

I think I am burnt out, having been under constant stress for the last 6 years, trying to bury myself in work, not having any work life balance and having a predisposition to depression basically has gotten me in a vicious cycle of spiralling down this all familiar and bottomless pit. 

And I think the problem with me is I am self aware enough to know that I am depressed, yet arrogant or egoistic to the level that I know that I can actually pull myself away from this pit the moment I put my mind to it. I am not sure if this belief in self resurrection is actually credible or is yet another illusion being played by me at my expense. Some things can rightfully only be answered with time so wait and watch we shall! 

                                                       Haaye budhapa =))

Kya karna?

Kitni ajeeb si baat hai keh aise likhna itna ajeeb kyun lag raha hai, baqaida effort lagana pad raha hai english main wapas switch nahi hona. Baar baar delete karke likhna kyunki apko aadat hai likhne ke english main. Ek aur yeh example hai aise trick ka jo apka dimagh khelta hai khudpe. Aisi baat toh nahi hai k main khwab english main dekhta hoon jaisa k log kehte hain; ki jiss zubaan main aap sabse zyada comfortable hote hain ussi main khwab dekhte hain.

Shukar waise yeh bhi hai k mujhe khwab itne yaad rehte bhi nahi hain. Bakwasiyat aur uljhan se larez hote hain khwab, aur mere pass na toh koi roohani taaqat hain jo main sochoon k mere khwab badi ilhaami hoge, jo bhi chand khwab yaad bhi reh jaate hain toh woh aise hi lagta hai keh bass paanch-chay alag alag purani yaadon ya jagahon se jaldbaazi main judi hui koi kahani dimagh ne banane ki koshish kari hai taaki neend khul na jaaye. Ya toh phir aise khwab aate hain k aisa lag raha ho keh dimagh baqaida plot aur story likh raha ho. Manhoos aur lucid, equal proportion main!

Halaanki neend bhi apne aap main ek ajeeb-o-ghareeb cheez hai, uljhan main aati nahi hai, jabki uljhan main hi sabse zyada usski zaroorat hoti hai; aur jab aap sukoon main hote ho to foran aajati hai. Aisa hona chahiye ki ghabrahat mai zyada aaye aur sukoon main kam. Ladakpan main zyada aati hai - jab aap chahte ho duniya hi har cheez karna aur budhaape main kam, jab aap chahoge keh kuch na karen bass sote rahen, magar foran 4 baje uth jao, bass yehi bacha hai ab dekhna shayad :))

Waise ghoom phir keh baat yeh aajati hai, zyada sochna aur gehrai main kisi bhi cheez ki jana, bhalay hi woh soch khud ki soch k baare main hi kyun na ho, kabhi bhi faayedemand nahi hoti, balki aur nuqsaan hi pohnchaati hai. Zyada sahi yehi hai surface phenomena bane raho, cheezen khareedo, bhaaloo waaley tshirt RL ka ya saamnp ki khaal k jootey aur khush raho umda hal filhal k liye.

Zindagi bhar ki khushi waise bhi kkis havannaq ne kaha tha k milegi zindagi main? Itmenaan bhi ek vehem hi hai, insaan agar zyada vaqfay k liye sukoon se hota hai toh khud maslay bana leta hai, ussne mujhe aisa kaha, waisa nahi kaha, wahan main nahi ja paaya (FOMO) LOL , ya fir kyun gaya? aise kuch fuzool maslay aur ya toh phir oopar se maslay utaar diye jaate hain toh log kehte hain yar pehle kitna sahi thi meri zindagi, magar maine khud paida kar diye the masaail apne zindagi main.

Ghoom phir k baat yeh ajati hai k har peedhi apni pehle k logo ko dekhti hai, unki ghaltiyan samajhti hai, unko judge karti hai, aur phir nayi tareekhay se apni zindagi main pareshani aur bherahat laane main jutt jaati hai. Jo log khush hain, jaise k woh shair hai, Keh kya takafful karen hum yeh kehne main keh jo bhi khush hain hum unse jalte hain. Hum to waqai mai jalte hain, kyun hain woh log itne khush? Humain bhi khush qismat kardo ya bewakhoof bana do, dono hi kardo ya doosra toh kar hi do! :)

London wasnt calling me.

 How do people deal with grief? Why are we all so keen to soldier on? What are we trying to achieve here? To what end? How do people accept grief? How do they process it? What if I dont want to accept it? What if I can't accept it? Why are we always trying to optimize every aspect of our existence? No I dont like your fucking green tea or granola breakfast. I dont want to do deep focus work sessions or try cold showers to build resistance. I want my breakfast to eventually kill me and my showers to be comfortable and warm so I can enjoy them while I still can.

I think living in the UK is getting to my head. When will us brown people ever find solace? Where do we eventually want to end up at? India, Dubai, UK, Amreeka, Chaand? Till when do we need to run? I certainly cant seem to outrun me. 

Thats a weird thing to think, I tell myself as I google are organs removed when a person lies in state? Turns out they are not but they end up pumping the body with plastic or some chemical? I cant remember and I think that is the problem right there, all these half baked ideas and useless information.

Why cant we start over? Why cant I learn to move on? Am I being punished? Or is there no order at all? Are people who dont do evil things fearing that they will go to hell if they do better than the people who do good for the sake of it? Arent the people who dont believe in hell or heaven but still do good or don't give in to their base desires better people and even more worthy of heaven than the people who are only behaving themselves out of fear of being punished?

If it was allowed I would be a drunkard, why are people who dont think they are forbidden to drink not drunk all the time? How do people have such self control? Why do we keep on making saints out of people the instant they die but cant seem to stand them when they are alive? 

What does any of it even mean?

King of the non sequitur

The problems with having to deal with a brain which is naturally inclined towards writing are compounded when one also has almost no will/ energy to write. One finds that the brain continues to come up with little nuggets of themes, scenarios, miniature skits and the subconscious mind is preoccupied in trying to complete that scenario, finish that joke; its almost a constant wilful effort to try and NOT think of that clever little turn of phrase that the brain was so meekly putting forth, especially so when one is supposed to be doing tedious work in the day and be on planning calls to put together the plan. 

It is in itself a task to stop trying to complete the imaginary scenario that is so obviously *there* but just a little out of grasp, so deliciously inviting that one can almost see the ending but cannot seem to quite land the approach. And as it so often happens, it is at that precise moment that the perfect words had revealed themselves or the punch line was within sights,  you are rather rudely disturbed by that silence of death on the call which now when you recollect had preceded a very familiar sounding phrase, something to the effects of  " Arum (because my parents wanted gore people to butcher my name), Arum, what do you think?" And thats when you have to instantly kill the letters and drown the phrases, try to recollect the generic topic of this particular call, to buy yourself some time, one might start with I...... um... think ---- that...  and then try to agree with the whoever asked you the question to begin with by peppering in a whole lot of inconsequential fillers like "perhaps, this seems to be the best of all the bad options out there" or "it is what it is, and we are where we are" or gems like "given the constraints this seems like a sensible option but I will circle back if additional issues surface" like who circles back?  What I really want to say is, paisa dedo mujhe jo karna hai karte phiro :|

Anyway, now that you have given your generic, yet liberally garnished non sequitur of an agreement, you try to focus on the mind numbing conversation just enough so you can ask a very hypothetical question which usually gets a "great question" badge and then proceed to again be hijacked by random words which MUST be strung together as if to be put in their God ordained place or a single line which has to form the most funny part of the joke be rescued from the trenches so as to complete that awesome, award winning and clever joke, which is often just repeated in its entirety silently accompanied by an equally silent sneer and forgotten forever to be left in the place where all things forgotten go to.

While writing this gem of an entry about constant mental hounding from inconsequential and underdeveloped ideas and the ensuing challenges to my mental capacity, I, for no reason got the image of a man faking to be dead with a giant bear in front of him, now, again, no reason or rhyme but it is there. Man pretending to be dead, huh? Theres a though! Lets ponder on this concept then, inaction = life saved? I have no way to verify if that is actually true (well I do, I could google it, but I am trying to not google things because I think that leads to also just fill our head with additional stupid facts which we dont want/need and people just confuse knowing with wisdom, and obviously, I am nothing if not a fountain of wisdom)  I must have heard someone tell me thats what you are supposed to do if you, (me, who never as much as gone on a hike) happen to be in a jungle, alone, unarmed (not that I actually know how any arms work, mine included sometimes) and run into a frigging bear, you are supposed to lie still or fake die, and the bear will piss off. 

Now again expanding on that concept of doing nothing equals winning in the jungle, think of the most junglee thing in a home, the most annoying, dangerous things in a domestic environment, i.e. the bundle of joys, the light of our eyes, those little angels, who will fall asleep selfishly whenever the hell they want to, but when its been a hell of a day and all you are asking for is the sweet release of sleep, they can lie in the bed for long lengths of time but not do the one thing you desperately want/ pray/ be willing to sell your soul for, i.e. sleep. Ah, theres another situation where laying still as if one is dead might be actually one of the good solutions ( the other being killing yourself basically). The little minion will check on you for a while but after several checks they also seem to give up the game and close their precious little eyes, awwww! (FU!)

So there, I know there is a joke there, human nature to react, everyone harps on about virtues of hard work, being lazy and doing nothing is so underrated, blah blah blah, actually in some scenarios, doing nothing is the best action, throw in the bear reference, talk about the baby thing, and close off with umm, well, I think... how about... Gandhi! Yes, Mahatma Gandhi! He basically did nothing when he asked all of us to just not cooperate, like you know what? I wont kill you or fight with you, I will just you know, refuse to make you tea or biscuits as long as you don't quit India (or smoking, I cant recall) or learn to not murder peoples names! Thanks Eaarrrum!

But you know what? I will circle back because we are either sharks or those shopping carts whose front wheels are broken so if you push them they tend to go in large circles? Yup. Thats what I deal with, since forever. :))

2022 ka doosra post!

I can write about regrets, and by God do I have my fair share of them!

Or, I can ponder over the labour of faith, how from our point of view almost all the hardship of life does not seem to make much sense, God must be judging people distinctively based on their unique sets of circumstances (which He created) and their individual merit (which He choses to bestow) - yet what I find extremely annoying is people trying to explain the ways of the Divine by passing on moronic comments like " This happened to make you stronger, God choses only those people with burden who are dearest to Him" well, tell that to the person who committed suicide because that bloke could not handle it anymore! So is that a fallacy or do we just continue to blame satan conveniently for things we cant fathom? 

Or perhaps consider the God fearing people who ended up getting gassed/ shot to death during the world wars, will they also go to hell because they weren't practicing the same rites as you? If this world is a test for us but a place of frolicking for them, why does cancer and other assorted terminal diseases and perils seem to be so democratic? 

I am aware that these are naive questions, but nobody really has clear answers or explanation of the human condition, it is the called faith because we Believe, especially without having seen beyond the veil, we dont need watsapp videos of bodies of water of different colours not mixing to "hence prove" it. 

All we can do is try to be sane by having a purpose which engages and drives us when life becomes intolerable, which it invariably does! Blessing someone by saying "humesha khush raho" is stupid. We should instead say, "bardasht karlo" ;)

Also, notice that the one almost universal law is irony, irony surrounds and engulfs us, if one logs in to instagram or facebook, I can guarantee that you find almost exclusively, that the folks who were the biggest losers back then seem to be doing the best now in their lives whereas the brighest students are often not as successful now. The chances that one is successful in their careers are almost directly proportion to how big a moron they were in their formative years and vice versa. Another example is the generational irony, mostly it manifests itself in way of successful fathers having kids who spectacularly fail in their life. Sometimes it seems that the law of irony exists just so people can cite them as examples! If above holds water, one can ponder over the entire point of existence of individuals who were born just to be made prey to the law of irony. Obviously there are exceptions but the law of irony seems to be ever encompassing.

How about the actual make up of human beings? People with high level of agreeableness trait tend to follow the rules more often than people with high level of disagreeability, combined that if the individual with high level of agreeableness are also towards the higher end of the trait conscientious and are low on trait openness, you can argue that individuals with these "configuration" might find it more easier to pray the prayers on time, fast as prescribed. Now if people from the opposite ends of this spectrum are able to be on par with observing the rites, they would have to go almost against their nature to do so, in this scenario, are the two deeds equal in virtue? 

But, as I said, we can't live life in hindsight and I am obviously no authority on the realm of the unknown or almost any other topic, hence, enough about that, additionally, I wont talk about regrets (as that song goes, "regrets, I have a few") but instead I will continue to write about the banalities and minutiae of life itself.

Like how minimalism seems to be draining the personality of everything, ever notice that things made a couple of decades ago had such flavour and character, yet now, we see things, malls, buildings even cities starting to look just about identical, bereft of any detail, just hollow, mass produced, simplistic chunks of stuff all looking and feeling like each other. I think even corporates behave this way, everything is getting dumbed down and made homogenous, having been working in that space, I feel I have met the same person embodied by a plethora of people. Grey suits, Tumi bags and fake accents. Lets not boil the ocean and taking this offline is all we seem to be doing. 

Language itself has been censored so much that words seem to be losing their meaning, you can find kids using the terms racist, bigot, woke without actually knowing what they mean. It is similar to people harping on about how say alcohol is haram or how doing rafaden as a hanafi is wrong when they dont bat an eyelid about basically robbing their sister's inheritance share. Alcohol consumption is a matter of the individual and his God, albeit being haram it continues to be between him and Him, but because the misappropriation of inheritance equals monetary gains, that is somehow not spoken of as much as say marrying twice! (not advocating alcohol and polygamy separately or together ^_^) 

 Also, I cant seem to comprehend the sheer stamina of the people from my generation who continue to post pictures and reels on social media on an hourly basis, yes, we get it that you ordered a pina colada and a steak, good for you! I understand the urge to get validation on instagram but I dont seem to relate to the stamina it takes, especially for people my age who would have been doing this for the last 20 years now. Like what are we trying to do here? Does it not dawn on people the need to stop overcompensating for being ugly and unpopular in school? Yes you married rich, congratulations! Again, I understand it but cannot believe the stamina of these people.

But stamina is what makes a career IMHO, oftentimes you find people having all the energy in the world the first 3-5 years into the workforce but they end up settling into a gradual inertia and subsequently decaying; yet the truly successful people seem to have this perpetual source of vigour in their output. A career is not a relay race, it is a marathon sprinkled with constant phases of reinventing oneself. To be successful one needs prolonged engagement, dedication and a good amount of being in the right place at the right time. This has become one of my key obsessions lately, to figure out why some people tick and others dont, is it all nature or perhaps some nurture as well? Where does predetermination and conscious effort meet?

Conversely, are we, as an ummah in decline because it is scripted? Or because we were say, busy writing urdu poetry whilst losing battles due to being ill prepared? Will the people who invented life saving vaccines and medicines by devoting their entire lives toward these goals get to be in heaven or will the aforementioned people who know nothing about anything but were following protocol while not contributing anything to society at large or their own families get the rewards?

Dont think we know these answers but we seem very quick to pass judgements on entire nations and peoples.

Anyway, I digress, so instead of boiling the ocean with this post, I shall take this offline in my head and watch another episode of that series I have been binging on to fill the void in this sinner's heart!

Being

 It’s hard to cope. Sometimes it feels like this existence of mine is not even a singular existence. I have morphed so much that I can’t even recognise myself sometimes. Do I still like dal chawal or have a dry sarcastic humour? Yes sure, but these are just the toppings of a personality - the ingredient of me seems to be all muddled up now. I can’t even decide if I am an introvert anymore ! I have pushed myself so much that I can’t seem to figure out it if I’m still the underdog or the Goliath these days. Old acquaintances after meeting me exclaim that looking at me takes them back 10 years as I don’t seem to age a day but ironically I can’t even relate to myself anymore.

I am sick of seeing people go overboard with patting themselves on their backs - congratulating themselves for almost anything they can come up really, how can people base their personalities on things as moronic as say being a blabbermouth or being selfish or true story - being a stupid hijabi! I mean I get it, everyone’s a frigging Malala or Greta these days - lack of a personality does not a personality make dearies.

I’m surprised people are so quick to typecast themselves as “deep” or “ intellectual” or “ fun” or “YOLO” I mean you give one Iqbal book to a fool and suddenly they are a mystic - inversely a person watches some random movie and poof they are that character for the next 10 years!

Whatever happened to evolving or the concept of original thought? If there is one thing I would always yearn to be is uncharacterisable! There! And someone who always leaves a thought not well formulated because by God we have enough people ranting on about their “journey” and their stupid transformation with carefully worded speeches - I think I’m okay with being like this unedited and rambling and pointless random blog post. Go sell your paintings and self help crap somewhere else. I don’t want your closure.