The Tricenarian *_*

Even though it would be fair to say that little surprises me now; life, with all its idiosyncrasies has been fairly acquainted with me in this three-decade long (yes three!) sojourn of mine here on this strange planet where I have been blobbed out into existence through no fault of my own. Tedious routines and rituals which we subject ourselves to do result in varying degrees of success in rendering an illusion of some semblance of order to this otherwise frenzied existence with all its variables that we, as sentient beings have been involuntarily been put in. They act as sedatives to lull our intrinsic inquiries of existential crisis, of feeling alone, of not amounting to anything. As that bespectacled comedian aptly puts it- “All of us know the same truth, we spend our lives in trying our best to distort it.” It’s a means to an end really, everyone seems to be so convinced that they have indeed found the true calling of this existence, yet, if you think about it, it’s all that it is, it is their opinion! Subjective and highly skewered to support their self-righteous narcissist leanings.

Suffice it to say that that strand of thought demands a more thorough analysis by its own right, one which I plan on compiling in the not so distant future, there are instances in our lives when the events are so cliched that they back a compelling case for an actual method behind all this madness, that there are forces at play here working for the grander scheme of things which elude the transitory rationale of our limited understanding and force us to behold the ‘bigger picture’ as it were. One look at my carefully planned ledger of personal finance indicates that I have managed to claw back the ungodly loan I owed in relatively short time and made good on a well thought out financial plan. That has got me pondering about the possibilities for the future years, where the pertinent question I seem to be asking myself is after this, what? Although the inexpressible apprehension lies in the subtext to this question, ‘After this, where?’ 

I seem to have run my course with all things UAE, in my mind, I seem to be on the twilight of this blitzkrieg of a career as an employed expat here and considering the natural flow of things, wish to ‘move on’. As it happens, quite a few possibilities present themselves to this effect and it would not be at all inaccurate to label my final decision on the matter as inconclusive up to this point in time.I have spent the last 8 months wrapped in agonizing emotional turmoil of the highest order, there have been periods within that time-frame wherein the mere task of getting up or even being in a conscious state has seemed like an exercise of insurmountable plight. But as is usually with such things, one can only try and keep at it and believe in the old adage that this too, shall pass. As how it often goes in life, so much is intermingled, i.e. the constraints which are forcing our hand and the options that seem readily available are pieces of the same puzzle, that it becomes really easy at times to just go with the flow. But as easy as that sounds, one does need to take a stock of one’s life from time to time, after all we all just get one go at it. I just can’t exist peripherally and not face the fact that not making a decision IS a decision in itself, after all, silence is also an answer, is it not?

Well I know for a fact that walking away from this is going to be  hard, and yet, I am quite convinced that to be loved from a distance is easy but being in close proximity with one’s parents in their heydays, to be close,even if that means trading the golden tinted image which one acquires if separated for a significant period to one of a son who is flawed yet present, emotionally and physically with them, is an opportunity I don’t want to miss out of, no matter how much they appear to not be ready themselves in me taking the gambit. Then, there of course is the allure of immigrating to Saudi, where my Pakistani ex-boss is welcoming me with open arms. Along with the relatively known comforts that goes with such a move is the magnetic pull of the opportunity of going on Umras every weekend, of spending tranquil nights in Medina and living a couple of years in the bosoms of the land which holds an inexpressible spiritual sway over my heart. And if you add the prospect of acting on applying for an Australian citizenship and migrating to the land down under to join my sister and her family, which is what mom so eagerly wishes me to do, you’ve got quite a big conundrum on your hand.

The distressing factor which I alluded to earlier remains at large and so do the options I painfully explained, suffice it to say that they are inexorably interlinked together and represent the most recent cross roads at which I find myself stranded at. While all those variables are at play, I’m about to turn 30 in about 5 hours, that, in itself, is a shock to the senses. I regret not doing so many things now that I’m 30, things which I had no clue were so important when I was 20. In 10 years, the things I held dear have dissipated in such a way that I find myself questioning their existence in the first place, however other things which I paid little heed to back then feel so important now. I so wish to have been better read, instead of turning out to be this half-baked concoction of ideas, a well-versed and informed individual with a narrative backed by  a solid body of work. I wish I was less disenchanted by the world around me to actually figure out my true calling.  I can write more, but I’d much rather watch an episode of Suits and see Harvey Specter play the man! 😊. So yes, obligatory birthday post ends.